Till the next time Baby TumTum

I miscarried this week for the second.

I cried. I cried out of despair. I cried out of anger. 

Ubos na ang luha ko.

Ang bad trip kapag matanda ka na is naiintindihan mo na ang katagang "everything has its reason" So you grieve and you move on. Pero masakit pa rin.

I am afraid that if I will not act or force myself to move on I would wallow in misery.

I have set up an office in my home and Dada my OB told me that I would just maintain the office so that I would minimize my stress and avoid climbing the steep steps in our office at pioneer avenue.

I had a lot of difficulty when I was pregnant. I had back pains. I had shortness of breath. I knew that I was so unhealthy that I have placed myself and my unborn child in harms way. 

This time I can do things differently. I could be healthy to increase my chance of conception and make the entire pregnancy a bit safer.

I also realized that I need to be financially ready for the pregnancy. I spent a lot on medicines, vitamins, better fitting clothes and food that I had difficulty keeping with my other obligations. My income also drastically lowered because I no longer reported in the office where walk-in clients are a common.

I was easily agitated and angered that my stress level during my pregnancy was quite high. My friend Sir G that I should learn stress management.

I was also hesitant because truth be told I have not mastered my new religion and I was wondering how I could raise a true Muslim when I myself am fumbling with Islam. 

I know that I was not ready.

Hay nak. Sorry talaga. 

So today I decided to do juicing, debt detox and learn more about my faith.

Hopefully things will be successful this time. And baby tumtum will be in our arms. Labs yo by :) Love ka guid ni nanay.