Victory

It is close to one in the morning and I still could not sleep.

My mind is awake.

I worry a lot.

I realized that my story had been that of a victim and not a victor.

I will change that.

What I Love

I am wondering what are the things that make me happy.

I know that when I eat my favorite food I am happy.

I love going to the beach where there are no other people.

I love sleeping in hotel rooms.

I love watching movies.

I love watching cable.

I love having the peace of mind of not having any debts.

I love having lots of money.

I love helping people who are appreciative of my help for free. 

I love being good at what I do. :)

REBOOT (11/14/15)

I failed to blog religiously.

Ate at mang Gorio Koronadal City

4 pieces chicken lumpia.

portion of pancit

portion of seafood chop suey

one slice of durian pie

one serving of salad 

I just want to do good and do the right thing.

REBOOT Day 3

Ate two pieces kutsinta with lubi.

One venti chai tea latte

About three cups of banana heart salad in coconut milk and vinegar

A cupful of rice.

Chowking beef wonton soup.

Regular nai cha.

1 pack glazed pili.

Half a bag of large V Cut.

REBOOT DAY 2

OK sue me.

I drank Coke.

I ate half a cup of rice.

One native chicken leg.

Half arroz caldo.

Half a can of Coke. (See confession above)

Ate two pieces KFC hot and crispy fried chicken one of them with cheese.

Two and a half serving of mashed potato and corn.

One large ice tea.

One cup rice.

2 small pieces of dried fish.

a bunch of kangkong

2 small slices of tuna tail.

There goes my food diary.

Oh and one small revel bar.

The twice a day Zynapse is off.

Clopidogrel is still on.

Doctor said I should consult a psychiatrist to manage my paranoia of having another stroke.

Amen to that Doctor. Healthy Body. Healthy Mind.

Thank you to my friends Hygiea and Carl for the talk. Miss you guys. :)

Awakening

At the age of thirty five, I am asking myself, "What kind of life am I living?"

You see when you suffer a mild stroke at this age and the idea of dying this early becomes your reality.

Existential questions do creep in.

I remember when I was hospitalized for a mild stroke and I was in the emergency hospital. I was crying and telling my husband that I do not want to die. I told him that I am a bad person. I have made bad choices. I have debts and would probably not be able to enter heaven.

You see in Islam having unpaid debts when you die becomes a bar for entering Jannah (Heaven.)

Unfortunately for me, being afraid of dying, being a bad person or having debts does not necessarily transform the reality.

So after nearly three months from suffering a stroke, numerous fluctuations of my blood pressure that triggers a lot of anxiety attack and one more visit to the emergency, I have finally decided to surrender every thing to God (Allah) "Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala,"

Yep I surrender to the will of God. I refuse to worry. I refuse to be anxious. I refuse to do bad. I surrender to GOD.

Besides that. 

I also decided to do six major things.

1. Work on my finances - pay off debts, sell real estate, sell shirts, list all expenses, stop getting into debt.

2. Work on my health - limit meat intake, eat more vegetables, sleep early, exercise

3. Work on my spiritual reawakening - do five salah, yoga, learn Arabic, read Islamic books

4. Work on my intellectual growth - listen to more ted talks, read the news, read more books, read more law books

5. Work on my social interactions - be more active in my social groups, attend more weddings, attend more parties

6. Work on my family - be kinder to my in laws, my husband, my son, my sister, my cousins, my relatives, my mother, my father.

REBOOT DAY 1

Brielle's calamansi juice

Fresh Lumpia from House of Cashew

Salad from E and D

one piece Jollibee pan cake with a dollop of butter and sugar syrup. 

One piece 555 spanish sardines with lots of sauce

one cup rice.

Ubos ko na ata ang calorie limit ko wala pang lunch!

12:58 PM

Finished another round of lettuce, pear, non dairy cheese, and hazel nut salad :) LUNCH.

Eating healthy is a chore.

Sana di na sya chore later. Habit na :)

Ate Nanay's quesadilla.

Three pieces gnoche with soft boiled egg. Courtesy of Nanay pa rin.

V-Cut potato chip with lactose free cheese.

Ok so parang wala akong balak magdiet.

Isang chocolait pa pala.

NOT OFF MY MEDS YET. THE GOAL IS TO BE FREAKING HEALTHY!

NO SOFT DRINK TODAY! YEEBA.

This is also my fourth day for my gap year. Spent the day sleeping off a flu. :)

Gap Year

I started the first day of my gap year today.

As a sole practitioner this means that I will not be getting nor looking for new clients for one year.

My plan is to focus on selling real estate. Selling stuff. I love selling. Maybe setting up an on line store. Maybe opening my dream sari sari store. 

I will handle my existing clients with exemplary care. The goal is to perfect the system so that when I come back next time I will not get easily exhausted. 

I will do this every five years so that I will get a fresh perspective on life.

I will do the following in my gap year:

1. Sell more that 300 real estate with huge margins.
2. Travel to at least three foreign destinations with my family.
3. Be healthy.

Crossroad

The house is quiet.

The fear is gone.

I would like to believe that there is a better life than this.

Or am I in the center of the eye of the storm.

Separate with kindness or prod on.

Atay Day 4

I had the hives for three days now.

I stopped taking Herbalife.

I drank about two glasses of soft drinks for two days.

Ate a lot of vegetables and juices.

Ate goat meat and two cubes of beef.

Ate fish and mushroom.

Ate a bar of chocolate. 

I had my allergies treated by DRA. DEANNA D. TABAR. I am lucky cause she had a lot of samples and I no longer bought my meds. Shameless plugging her clinic is in the second floor of the St. Elizabeth Building Extension at Santiago Buoulevard. Do visit her. She is a dermatologist. :)

I am afraid of looking at my weight because I am pretty sure nothing has changed.

Now that the hives are already a bit controlled hope I can lose 5 pounds within the next week. :)

ATAY Day 1

Made the commitment a few days back to be one of the alternate liver donor for my niece Brielle.

I went to Ate Mercy to buy Herbalife about three days ago so that I can reach a BMI of 24 in two months from a 34.

Quite difficult, considering that I just suffered a stroke a month ago and I could not do strenuous aerobic exercises.

Started my real diet today. September 28, 2015.

Started my day with fresh lumpia and a slice of quesadilla.

Popped two tablets of Fiber and Herb, one tablet of Vitamins and Minerals, one tablet of synapse, one tablet of clopedogril (have to check the spelling later) and one tablet of garlic.

Drank a mug of Herbalife Green tea.

One shake.

Three capful of Herbal Aloe.

Exercised for fifteen minutes.

Drank an ounce of pure carrot juice.

Pakshet nangangati ako.

Half day done :)

end of entry 12:21 p.m.

Sabbatical

Would it not be nice if my husband will become rich and I can stop working for two years?


Depression sucks!

Alternative Career

I'm contemplating of becoming a recluse.
I'm tired of being strong.
I'm going to be a writer.
I will earn a living as a writer.
I will write legal advice for imaginary clients and those who can relate to the advice can send their donation to my account. Maybe I would not be so stress and I can get pregnant.
One entry done.

Barren

Today, just for today, I refuse to be positive.
Today, I realized that I might never be able to conceive a child of my own and that I would constantly wonder what it would feel to be a biological mother.


I hope this would be similar to my other posts where I was extremely pessimistic the opposite happened.
I was so pessimistic in passing the bar. I passed finally.


I was so pessimistic with marriage. I was married in a flash. I'm still pessimistic with marriage, there are days I curse the fact that I am married and other days that I feel utter bliss.


Now, I'm just pessimistic. I feel that all the dua's that I am making are falling on deaf ears.
and that I am trapped in my difficult, miserable and barren existence.


So for today, just for today, I chose to be negative and pessimistic.


That's it.

Dreams

I found myself Googling "How to live an inspired life." which probably indicates how weird my thought process is right now.

I told my husband that once we are out of the woods from the financial challenge that we are in right now I will be more selective in my cases. Just one case a month.

I would probably still do seminars and accept a teaching load but I would lessen my case load. All in all without the monetary obligations that I am facing now we could operate at about fifty thousand pesos.

I am dreaming of reading and writing more.

Spending my time praying. Living a simple life. 

I can only do this if I will save every penny. 

Inshaa Allah these dreams will happen.

System

I read about building systems instead of setting goals in this article of James Clear and I am experimenting on it. 

I'm thinking that I need to build a system to make me satisfied about my life.

So here is my system:

1. Wake up early 4 am
2. Write down tasks.
3. Read.
4. Blog.
5. Write a page in the Crim 2 book
6. List down expenses.
7. Stick to a budget.
8. Do salah.
9.Exercise for two hours.
10.Read more inspiring articles.
11. Save money.

Hopeful

I was not able to blog yesterday.

The internet connection is close to non existent.

Here is to hoping things will be all roses this 2015.

All I know is I will not have a hearing the entire month of Ramadan as planned :)

"Success is liking yourself, liking what you do, and liking how you do it." 
Maya Angelou